Public Service Announcement

Dear friends,

Avoid Columbia, Missouri.

No joke. Simply don't go there. I certainly will not be crossing the city lines unless my life depends on it, or I otherwise cannot physically avoid doing so. Here's why. Remember the time I totaled my car in that lovely city? Well, I was immediately issued a traffic citation. In these months that have followed, the city of Columbia has effectively thrown all manner of 'the book' at me. The only two options given me were to pay an exhorbitantly huge fine (in the hundreds of dollars), or pay a considerably smaller fine AND DO COMMUNITY SERVICE.

For a traffic violation. In which the ONLY vehicle that was even remotely harmed was MY OWN.

Realizing that my 'monetary contribution' would go directly into the pockets of the very city that is exploiting me, and my 'service contribution' would go toward my own town, I chose the service option. Mind you, this was, in effect, an admission of guilt. But even then, I was informed that my lawyer and I would both have to APPEAR IN COURT!

And now that the city has put itself on the top of both mine and my attorney's 'List of Cities that I Would Divest the World of, Had I the Means', if the city is demanding that we appear and idiotically use up taxpayers' money for me and my horrifyingly awful breakage of sacred traffic law, we will in turn very respectfully demand the presence of the Grand Jury, the Issuing Officer, the Judge, the Bailiff, the Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick Maker - we might even issue an invitation to a Columbia newspaper journalist with whom I am friends. I can see the headline now: City Spends Thousands to Convict Violator Who Already Admitted Guilt.

Thank you, Columbia, for convincing me to explore Des Moines - the city I will now patronize when I want something from the mall, or a new car, or just want to go to a nice restaurant. And I will strongly encourage everyone else I know to do the same.

Columbia, MO: The city that invented Martial Traffic Law.
or
Columbia, MO: Death to traffic violators.
or how about
Columbia, MO: We STRONGLY encourage public transportation.