Women DO this??

I have a couple of friends who have had babies lately, and apparently, in all the preps that go into getting ready for an arrival, you also need a birth plan.

In my head, I'm thinking that birth plans are really more for those women who have, er, more eccentric notions of child birth than I do. But I don't want a tub of warm water present, I don't need burning herbs, birth coaches aren't my thing, I could care less if the Air Force marching band is playing next door (I might actually find that motivating!). All I really care to have at the end of this is a healthy baby. 10 fingers, 10 toes, breathing, spurting, etc. But, the friends insisted this plan was not an option.

Fine. I got online and found a birth plan that you just go through and check the things you want/don't want. That's what I'm about: no nonsense, just vote yes or no.

It starts out very mundane. Name, Doctor's name, etc. Then, it gets into preferences for Labor. "Please don't so any prep until/unless I request it." Sure, that sounds reasonable. "I would like to play my own music." Duh, I would think that would be obvious.

And on it goes. No big deal. Until.

The Delivery section contains a number of options, including: "I would like (coach) to help catch the baby." "I would like (other) to help catch the baby."

"I WOULD LIKE TO HELP CATCH THE BABY."

WHATINTHESAMHELL??!!! I would like to help catch my own baby?! I cannot even fathom the mechanics necessary to achieve this act. Perhaps a frog-like squat allows for this option? I mean, isn't that a little like being able to pitch a baseball to yourself? This has got to be a trick question, and I'm not falling for it. 'No'. Check.

Then, after I've gotten over this shock/awe/laughter, I get to the After Birth section. Blah, blah, question, question, then "Please show me the placenta after it is delivered." Nah, just put mine in a jar so I can bury it in the back yard. YAK!! NO! I JUST WANT TO HAVE A BABY!! DEAR GOD, LET ME BE DONE WITH THIS STUPID PLAN!!

Not soon enough, and I have my birth plan. Whew. I sure hope the Q appreciates this effort. Watch me not even remember it when I get to the hospital.