When You Gotta Go

As a girl growing up, it was typical that I would find myself working outside for long periods of time. As you know, busting your hump outside in the summertime is thirsty work. But all too often, we'd be far, far from the niceties of indoor plumbing. Now, for a dude, this provides absolutely no problems at all. In fact, many of the guys I know find a sort of macho pleasure in relieving themselves outdoors. I was in a conversation just last weekend, no lie, where a grown man told me that it was a shame someone was building a house down the road from his. Now, he said, he'd have to quit peeing outside when he was out working in the shop. Because, you know, the shop is so far from the house (he must not be aware of the proper definition of 'far', as his shop is 50 feet from his house. But anyway ...)

Maybe it's a Cro-Magnon thing, maybe it just comes with the Y chromosome. Wherever its origins are, it is definitely not a part that's included in a woman's assembly. So when a chick is out on the back 40 and she didn't bring her Port-a-John with her, she's got no other choice than to cop a squat.

It's not easy. In all honesty, it's damned precarious. In teaching some of my girlfriends how (yes, I have done this. Camping trips, emergency road trip situations, etc. sometimes call for a crash course in outdoor trow-dropping.) I have discovered that it is actually something that requires some skill - balance, logistics, bravery, and a keen eye for poison ivy. To save the faint-of-heart, I will not go into details here, but suffice it to say that it is a very delicate maneuver, and not one to be attempted for the first time while one is, let’s say, schnockered. (giggle. Oh, the stories I could tell there, but use your imagination. It does not end up in a very pretty place.)

And if it’s this tough for chicks to do now, just think of what it was like for pioneering women who trekked out here in woolen skirts back in the day? Now THAT must’ve taken talent. I know how I feel after spending just one day out in the hayfield – I can only imagine the bliss they felt when they used their first indoor water closet. But, I hope they know their traditions didn’t get completely flushed down the toilet.